One night a while back, I had a dream. I was standing behind the scenes and was just about to get on stage to have a concert. The musicians smiled and an enthusiastic audience greeted me and I was no less happy than they were. I was going to play a violin solo. It was a piece I knew well and where nervousness used to reside was only joy and an eagerness to start. Finally the conductor entered the room, carrying a cello which he handed over to me.
I can still remember the immediate panic that set in when I realized I had been given the wrong instrument but was still expected to perform the concert everyone was waiting for. When I knew every note by heart but no longer in my fingers. It was a relief to open my eyes the next morning and face a different reality.
Looking back, though, I have realized that this scenario is not that uncommon for us humans. I mean, not necessarily giving concerts on an instrument we don't master, but the feeling of not quite fitting in where we are. This could be in the family, at the workplace or among friends and acquaintances. And this can be quite a painful experience if we also draw the conclusion that there must be something wrong with us and as a result begin to compromise who we are and the needs we have in order to win the approval and acceptance of others.
I know what it can be like when our inner critic, our inner judge and our inner comparer have free rein, a lot to say and loudly fight for attention. In those moments, choosing love and self-acceptance is definitely not impossible, but can be somewhat difficult. Especially when "to err is human" applies to everyone else but myself.
But if there is one thing that life has convinced me of, it is this: we all have a song inside us that wants to be sung or played, a light that wants to shine. We all have a purpose in life. But sometimes the path to finding our way of expression, the path to what brings us meaning and joy, can feel like we've been given the wrong instrument, like we're in situations where we don't really do ourselves justice. However, this does not in any way mean that who we are is wrong or that we do not fit in. On the contrary. The world needs our light and our songs more than ever before.
And believe it or not, the task that our inner critics, judges, and comparers have in our lives is often to protect us from things they believe are dangerous, even if the ways they do it are sometimes rather insensitive and misleading. Letting our inner light shine and singing our song are examples of such things. But I've noticed that sometimes they calm down and become less loud when I thank them for their help but then offer them a seat in the audience rather than at the conductor's desk.
Warmly,
Karolina
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